


ketamine

by Chae_young_money, sleepynayeon



Series: broken hearts and addiction [1]
Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, dahmo, really really angsty, saida, satzu - Freeform, yall will start crying literally after the first sentence i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 23:59:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11047062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chae_young_money/pseuds/Chae_young_money, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepynayeon/pseuds/sleepynayeon
Summary: addictionnoun1.the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.But what if you're addicted to a person?





	1. Prologue -- Delusion

**Author's Note:**

> Written by the queen Chae_young_money, my co-author in this series. She will be writing another story and from there the two other pieces will be written by me.  
> incredibly angsty arm yourselves with several boxes of tissues

"I'm home.“, Sana said when she opened the door to her apartment.

She felt that well-known sadness and stuffiness just like always when she came home after work.

She sighed when she turned on the lights.

It was already dark outside.

Not because Sana worked til late at night. Because Sana didn't want to go home after work. Because she knew how things would be.

Stuck in a vicious circle.

She got home and didn't really communicate with her girlfriend. She got home and the apartment was filled with that terrible, suffocating silence.

It took Sana's breath away.

In the beginning, everything seemed perfect.

When she started dating Dahyun, she thought she found the one. It felt like she was never getting tired of her and even though Sana wasn't the kind of person for long-term relationships, Dahyun changed her mind. She turned her whole word upside-down.

Sana knew she wanted to stay with Dahyun til both of them were old and grey.

Or at least she thought so.

You can't predict the future and after some time she realized how Dahyun and her were growing apart.

 

 

“ _Don't fucking touch me!”, Dahyun yelled._

_Sana backed away. Dahyun acted like a scared cat, hissing at her and backing away as if Sana was going to hurt her._

_Her eyes were filled with anger instead of love._

“ _W-what...?”, Sana stuttered. “What did I do wrong?”_

_She felt that she was getting angry at Dahyun as well._

_Arguments have many layers and deep down Sana knew that Dahyun was mad at her because their relationship changed._

_Because both of them felt that something was different._

“ _Can't you come home earlier? You always go out and when you come back it's already late. I have no idea where you are or what you're doing and you expect me to accept this. This is the third time this week.”_

_Sana swallowed the guilty feeling in her throat. She didn't want to feel guilty._

_It wasn't her fault, was it?_

“ _Then ask yourself why I stay away from home!”, she yelled back._

_Dahyun winced and leaned on the kitchen table to assure her stand._

“ _Now you're blaming me for doing shit? Are you for real?”_

“ _Well, if you wouldn't yell at me for every single thing I do and if you wouldn't reject me all the time then maybe I'd come home earlier. It's not my fault if you make it so hard for me.”_

_Dahyun then all of a sudden smashed a glass on the ground and left the kitchen, leaving Sana alone._

_Sana knew it wasn't Dahyun's fault._

_She knew it was her fault because she wasn't doing something either._

_Instead of talking about their problems she kept running away from them, leaving Dahyun alone._

_She heard raindrops crackling on the window._

_Was this the beginning of the end?_

 

 

 

She didn't know when or why it started but they started to fight. Often. Most of the time.

Yelling at each other for the most stupid reasons, crying together, making up and promising that things would get better, telling themselves that this was just a temporary phase.

_Hardships can be found in every relationship but we'll overcome this one._

It was like a mantra Sana kept telling herself even though Dahyun and her knew that things would never be the same again.

Sana thought of this every time she opened the door to her apartment.

Like now.

Dahyun was laying on the couch, wrapped in some blankets and she kind of looked like a caterpillar.

Sana felt a sting in her heart, remembering all those sweet memories she had with Dahyun.

She couldn't break up with her and she knew that.

Breaking up with Dahyun didn't only mean ending their relationship. It meant breaking Sana. Ending a part of her life.

Dahyun knew that. So they stayed together.

Sana sat down next to Dahyun and slightly smiled.

She brushed a strand of hair out of Dahyun's face.

The latter blinked a few times before opening her eyes, tiredly looking at Sana.

In the past she used to love it when Sana did that but now the only thing Sana could see in her eyes was sadness and it was breaking her heart further and further.

“I didn't mean to wake you up.” ,she whispered and looked away.

“Why are you home so late?”, Dahyun asked.

Sana gulped.

She couldn't lie to Dahyun, telling her that she had to work longer than usual.

Even though she did that a few times before she couldn't do it right now. Maybe because she was too emotional.

Or maybe Dahyun was staring into her eyes as if she could sense lies.

“I was just out... I needed to free my mind.”

Dahyun nodded silently and got up from the couch.

“Were you waiting for me?”, Sana asked raising her brow.

Dahyun walked over to the kitchen and came back with a water bottle and a glass.

“Yes.”

Sana wished that it was dark inside the living room so Dahyun couldn't see the guilt on her face.

But when she spoke, she realized that she could even hear it from her voice.

“You know, you don't have to do that. You should have gone to bed earlier.”, Sana said.

Dahyun put down her glass of water and looked at Sana.

“I wanted to talk to you about something.”

This was never a good start for a conversation.

Sana never experienced a real break up. She only saw it in the movies but most of the time it started with the words “we have to talk about something.”

And only thinking about that made her feel like she was going to vomit.

Her heart started to beat faster and her breathing got uneven and she prayed that Dahyun didn't notice it.

This situation was uncomfortable enough.

“I think,”, Dahyun continued when Sana didn't reply to her. “maybe...”

Dahyun stuttered. She either didn't find the right words or she was too afraid to break Sana's heart.

Sana gulped another time and looked out of the window to focus on something else.

The moonlight was breaking through Dahyun's hair.

_The moon looks beautiful tonight._

A phrase Sana used to say to let Dahyun secretly know that she loved her.

Another sting in her chest. Can a person die from heartache?

“Maybe we should take a break.”, Dahyun finally managed to utter. She then hurried to continue before Sana could even say something.

“I mean, taking a break doesn't mean we have to give up... but maybe it would be helpful if we spent some time on our own to realize how much we actually feel for each other.”

Sana nodded.

That made sense, even though it hurt.

You always realize what you had if you already lost it. And maybe Dahyun and her would realize how precious their relationship actually was after a short break.

“I mean, we can still go on dates and meet on a daily basis if you want. But I think for now, you should move out so we both can have enough space.”

Sana nodded.

Maybe moving in wasn't her best idea anyways. Living together with someone meant less privacy and more fights because you always piss each other off.

Even though hearing those words from Dahyun hurt.

A single tear ran down her cheeks and fell on the ground.

Dahyun saw it and hugged her. It was actually the first time in days that she touched her girlfriend.

Sana knew it was foolish to think like that but she felt hope in her heart.

Maybe, things would get better from now on.

Maybe it was a good decision to get some space so they could realize how much they needed each other. Maybe this was their chance to save their love.

And eventually these terrible arguments would come to an end.

“I'll rent a flat for the time-being then.”, Sana said and saying those words felt like closure already.

Moving out was like moving away from Dahyun further.

Dahyun caressed her cheek and sadly smiled.

“Don't worry. It's just temporary. Everything's going to be okay.”

Sana nodded but deep down she was afraid. Distance scared her.

Because she didn't know if Dahyun was going to miss her or if she was going to move on from her.


	2. Chapter One -- Addiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when sana meets tzuyu, and things get just a little bit better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, written by Chae_young_money, not me

Sana sighed.

She was standing in the center of her new flat. Everything felt strange and empty and just not right without Dahyun.

But she couldn't change it for now.

She immediately wanted to move back in with her girlfriend but she knew she couldn't do that.

She lay down on her bed and stared at the ceiling. The only thing she could do was hoping.

Hoping that Dahyun missed her as well.

What would happen if Dahyun didn't feel the same. What if she started to like being on her own.

Sana closed her eyes and sighed again.

She exhaled so much until her chest began to hurt. Until she felt like there was nothing left inside of her.

Then suddenly the doorbell rang.

Her mind knew it wouldn't be Dahyun but her heart was telling her otherwise. It was begging to see Dahyun's face when she opened the door but of course she got disappointed.

Instead of Dahyun's bright smile she was staring at a tall girl with dark hair.

And for a second she was breathless. Because this girl was one of the most beautiful women she had ever seen in her entire life.

Totally different from Dahyun.

Dahyun had this heartwarming, kind and extroverted aura. While this girl seemed rather cold and elegant.

“U-uhm.”, Sana stuttered. She realized that she must have been gazing at the other girl so she blinked a few times.

“Can I help you with something?”, she asked.

“You just moved in, right?”, the girl asked.

Now she was slightly smiling. It was so infecting that Sana caught herself smiling back at her even though she felt dead inside.

“Yes.”

“My name is Chou Tzuyu. I'm your neighbor and I thought I should introduce myself because we're probably going to see each other more often from now on.”

Sana nervously ran her fingers through her hair.

“Y-yeah, probably. Uhm... do you want to come in?”

Tzuyu raised her brow.

“And have a coffee?”, she quickly added.

Tzuyu then smiled and nodded.

Why did Sana feel like so nervous?

_You better remind yourself that you still have a girlfriend you're trying to win back._

Her smile faded and she closed the door behind Tzuyu.

 

Days and weeks passed without Sana and Dahyun making up. They kept going on dates from time to time but they still fought and they still didn't talk properly with each other.

There was no real communication between them. Either silence or screaming. Nothing else.

Sana mentally suffered and she was sure that Dahyun was feeling the same.

But she couldn't end it. She just couldn't break up with Dahyun. Because even though she was hurt and even though she felt like she was going crazy because of it, she still loved her.

And she kept talking with Tzuyu.

She came over almost every day, talking to her, cheering her up.

It took some time but after a while Sana told her everything about Dahyun.

About how she decided to move out and about how they were fighting. She emptied her heart and cried on Tzuyu's shoulder. And Tzuyu listened patiently.

She didn't tell Sana what to do.

She only listened and that was what Sana needed. Or at least what she thought she needed.

Until that day.

Sana was barely able to open the door. She felt like she was sitting on a carousel. Everything was turning around her and her vision was blurred.

_I HATE YOU_.

Dahyun never said that before. Why today? Why after all this time? Probably because of all the things Sana said to her.

She forgot half of them already but she knew she said even worse things after Dahyun rejected her again. After Sana tried to approach her, kissing her neck and Dahyun pushed her away because she didn't want that.

Sana knew what she did was wrong. And she deserved these harsh words.

But knowing this made her feel even worse.

And after she left Dahyun's apartment she went to a bar to get wasted. She didn't want to feel anything anymore but the alcohol didn't ease the pain.

In addition to her mentally pain she now also felt that her physical condition was bad.

She felt a throbbing pain in her head when she broke down in front of her door.

“Sana?”, she heard a voice but she couldn't answer properly.

It was hard for her to open her eyes.

Everything was still blurred and she only saw the shape of somebody kneeling down to her.

“T-Tzuyu?”, she whispered. Her tongue felt heavy and she felt like she lost the control over her whole body. She hated it.

“What happened?”, Tzuyu asked. Sana felt something wet on her face and she realized that Tzuyu was crying.

Crying because of her?

Sana didn't answer. She wanted to cry as well.

Tzuyu then helped her to get up and they made their way to Sana's living room.

Sana lay down on the couch.

“Wait here a second. I'll get you a glass of water.”

Sana wanted to contradict because she felt like throwing up but Tzuyu put her index finger on her lips.

“Sshh... Water is important. You'll feel better afterwards.”, she then rushed to the kitchen and Sana closed her eyes.

She never thought things would turn out like this. She didn't drink until now. Why did she start it now?

Tzuyu returned with a glass of water. She dimmed the lights to ease Sana's headache and then sat down next to the couch on a chair.

“What happened?”, she asked after Sana took a few slugs of water.

Sana didn't look into Tzuyu's eyes. She probably knew that it was because of Dahyun.

It was always because of Dahyun. When Sana called Tzuyu to come over in the middle of the night because she was crying herself to sleep it was because of Dahyun.

When she woke up in the morning and went over to Tzuyu because she felt empty it was because of Dahyun.

And now, when she decided to get wasted to ease her mind, to erase all those hurtful memories, Tzuyu knew it was because of Dahyun.

“It's her. It'll always be her.”, she whispered.

Tzuyu nodded.

And Sana started talking. She told Tzuyu the things she remembered without hesitation. It felt good to let it out but it felt bad to think of those things she said and did.

“It's my fault. Everything is my fault.”, Sana said. “I ruin her and I ruin myself. I am like a ticking time bomb and I think I will ruin you as well.”

Tzuyu looked shocked.

Sana couldn't see it properly because it was so dark in her room but she saw something glimmering in Tzuyu's eyes. Probably tears.

“You won't ruin me. How could you. You didn't do anything wrong. You're suffering so much, she shouldn't have let you go like this....”, Tzuyu said.

Her voice was shaking, Sana could hear that she was about to burst into tears.

This was unusual for Tzuyu.

She wasn't the kind of person to cry.

Actually Sana never saw her cry until today.

“You're a beautiful person, Minatozaki Sana.”, Tzuyu said.

And Sana needed these words. They were like cure for her hurt soul. Someone assuring her that she wasn't a bad person.

Someone giving her security. That was what she needed.

And maybe it was only because of the alcohol and the pain that befuddled her and made her vulnerable.

But she reached out her hand and touched Tzuyu's cheek.

And it was more than just a friendly touch. She knew this was wrong but she couldn't stop herself.

At first she was just caressing her cheek but then she found herself pulling Tzuyu down. She couldn't help but to press her lips on Tzuyu's and she felt a tear escaping her eye. But suddenly she didn't feel the heartache anymore. She didn't feel happiness either. She felt numb. Numb to the pain. But also numb to every other emotion.

But everything was better than the feeling of being torn apart.

She wrapped her legs about Tzuyu's waist as if she was trying to hold her back from moving away. As if she was afraid that Tzuyu could leave her. Just like everyone else.

They parted for a second and Sana breathed out: “I am so sorry...” before she kissed the other girl again.

And she really was sorry.

 

 

The other day, when Sana woke up, Tzuyu wasn't gone.

She knew what they did wasn't right. It wasn't fair. Not fair for Dahyun, not fair for Tzuyu and not fair for Sana. For none of them.

She knew she should have stopped when she had the chance.

She knew that she should have told Tzuyu that it was wrong and that she lost her mind that evening but she couldn't.

She couldn't stop.

Because being with Tzuyu meant not feeling the pain.

She didn't know what Tzuyu felt for her. Maybe she was in love with Sana. Maybe she was just as confused as her or maybe Sana was just like an experiment for her. But she knew that no matter what Tzuyu felt for her, Sana didn't feel the same.

She felt nothing. She didn't feel love or warmth. She was begging herself to stop.

She begged herself not to repeat her mistake from that night. But she was like an addict.

Empty promises she made in lonely nights.

_I'll tell her tomorrow. This was the last time. It'll never happen again._

Things like that. But eventually she woke up next to Tzuyu again.

“You're not doing anything wrong.”, Tzuyu said when they were sitting in the bathtub together.

Sana stared at the surface of the water.

She often took a bath these days. But she never felt clean.

“I am doing everything wrong.”, she replied.

Tzuyu sighed.

“Turn around. I'll clean your back.”, she commanded. Sana slowly turned around.

Sana felt Tzuyu stroking her back.

“I don't deserve this. I don't deserve your treatment. You're too nice.”, Sana said.

She then felt someone slapping her back and groaned.

“Ouch!”

Tzuyu then hugged her from behind. She could feel her body against her back.

“Of course you do. You need to stop blaming yourself for everything. It's not your fault. And...”, she hesitated to continue and rested her chin on Sana's shoulder, inhaling her scent.

Sana whimpered because of the touch.

She was drowning in guilt.

“And I want it too. I'm okay with that. There is nothing wrong with what we're doing.”

Sana knew these words weren't true.

Everything was wrong.

Betraying Dahyun, betraying herself and using Tzuyu to get over that wasn't right at all.

Tzuyu placed a kiss on her shoulder and her neck.

Sana felt that she was tearing up but she couldn't stop Tzuyu.

It was as if she was paralyzed, in a coma, only watching what happened to herself but unable to step in.

“Tzuyu...”, she whispered. Her voice was husky.

“Sssshh.” Tzuyu stroke a strand of her back and massaged Sana's shoulders.

“It's okay.”

_It's not._

Sana closed her eyes. Resisting was useless anyways.

Just one last time.

_You know it won't be the last time. It'll never be._

But again Sana felt numb. And she liked it. She liked not feeling pain. She liked not feeling anything. Why couldn't she always be like this.

Everything would be so much easier.

 

 

“You're late.”, Dahyun said.

Sana nodded and bowed.

“Excuse me, I missed my train.”, she said and took a seat in front of Dahyun.

They decided to go out to a restaurant. They didn't see each other in a while now and Dahyun said she wanted to try going on a date again.

Sana was nervous. When she inhaled, she could still smell the scent of Tzuyu and for some reason she felt as if Dahyun was smelling it as well even though it was stupid.

“So, how are you?”, Dahyun asked.

A silly question.

Everyone in Sana's environment realized that she wasn't doing well. She didn't notice what was going on around her. She didn't sleep and she often cried.

“Good.”, Sana said. What else should she reply.

“How about you?”

“Good.”

Silence.

Sana didn't know what was worse. Dahyun yelling at her, or Dahyun ignoring her.

It felt like eternity until the waitress finally brought their food and Sana was so thankful.

They didn't talk at all while eating.

Sana wasn't even hungry but everything was better than silence.

Dahyun's pale face seemed even more white than usual. She caught herself staring at her girlfriend when someone suddenly called her name.

“Sana!”

She looked up and almost choked on her food.

She heard the sound of her chopsticks hitting the ground.

A few steps behind Dahyun stood Tzuyu.

Tzuyu then finally realized that Dahyun was sitting at one table with Sana and her smile faded. Her eyes turned dark and her expression as cold as ice.

Meanwhile Dahyun turned around as well but Tzuyu was only staring at Sana.

They locked eyes and Sana was unable to look away.

She saw the pain in Tzuyu's eyes.

“Aren't you going to introduce me?”, Dahyun asked.

Sana tried to shake off her stiffness and nodded.

“Yes, Dahyun this is Tzuyu. She's my neighbor. And Tzuyu... this is Dahyun... my... girlfriend.”

She spoke slowly and the words didn't want to come off her mouth.

“How come you never told me about her?”, Dahyun asked surprised.

Sana gulped and looked at her food.

How should she explain that? Everything she was going to say would either make Dahyun suspicious and give her a reason to finally end their relationship or it would hurt Tzuyu.

To her luck Tzuyu saved her.

“I should leave you two on your... date. I have to run some errands anyways. See you later, Sana.”, she waved at her and bowed to Dahyun before rushing out of the restaurant.

“She's pretty.”, Dahyun said.

And maybe Sana was just getting paranoid but she could swear that she heard something strange in Dahyun's voice. Suspicion.

“Oh, I never noticed.”, she lied, not looking at Dahyun's face.

She felt as cold as ice.


	3. Chapter Two -- Hallucination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when tzuyu acts as sana's guilty pleasure, but it's just too much for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written by Chae_young_money, not me

“Are you okay?”, Sana asked.

She knew Tzuyu was at home but she didn't dare to ring the doorbell so she just softly knocked on the door.

No answer.

“Tzuyu, I know you're there... Please let me in.”, she begged.

She knew Tzuyu would eventually open the door because she never refused her. In any way.

She heard a sigh and then the door slowly opened.

“Come in...”, Tzuyu whispered and Sana let out a breath of relief.

She knew she was unable to sleep alone. She was too restless and too worried about Dahyun and knowing that Tzuyu was laying next to her gave her the peace and most important the numbness she needed to fall asleep.

It was dark in Tzuyu's flat but Sana could hear her breathing heavily.

She reached out and grabbed Tzuyu's hands.

“Are you mad at me?”

For a moment it was silent.

Tzuyu even stopped breathing and Sana didn't either.

After a while she then felt Tzuyu moving, wrapping her arms around Sana's waist.

“Of course not. It's not your fault.”

These words, Tzuyu kept repeating over and over again.

_It's not your fault._

When would Sana be able to believe her lies?

She felt a soft pair of lips on her shoulder.

“It's okay. I'm not mad.”

Tzuyu then turned on the light and Sana could look in her eyes.

They weren't swollen or red but Sana could swear she could see a tear on the back of Tzuyu's hand as if she just wiped it away.

“Do you think she noticed something... about us?”, Sana said.

And just asking this question made her feel terrible. Because she finally said it. That she was hiding something from Dahyun. Something big.

If Dahyun found out about her and Tzuyu, she would probably break up with her.

And this was understandable.

Saying these words made Sana realize what kind of terrible human being she actually was.

“I am cheating on her.”, she then said.

Tzuyu seemed caught off guard and looked away.

The silence was suffocating Sana and she leaned against the wall because she was sure she would break down if she didn't assure her stand.

“You're not a cheater.”, Tzuyu then slowly said.

But Sana only laughed.

“Then what am I doing here? What is this if it ain't cheating?”

She ran her finger through her hair.

She wanted to tell Tzuyu that it was better for the both of them if they ended things right now. Before their situation would get worse.

But she couldn't. Because she knew that she wouldn't survive alone.

How ironic. She couldn't break up with Dahyun and now she couldn't break up with Tzuyu.

Why wasn't she able to let go?

She groaned and started hitting her head against the wall. She wasn't angry at Dahyun or Tzuyu.

She was only angry at herself.

No.

She _hated_ herself.

Tzuyu screamed and hurried to stop her.

“Stop! Sana, what are you doing?”, she tried to hold her back. “You're hurting yourself.”

Sana then stopped and looked up.

“Isn't it better if I hurt myself? Better than to hurt others?”, she asked.

Tzuyu shook her head and tightly held Sana's face in her hands.

“You're not doing anything wrong.”

Sana exhaled and closed her eyes.

She then felt Tzuyu's lips on hers. She didn't respond but she didn't stop her either.

Just as always.

She never rejected Tzuyu. Not like Dahyun rejected her. But maybe she should.

Maybe she should do what Dahyun did.

But she wasn't Dahyun.

 

 

“So, how's your neighbor?”, Dahyun asked.

Sana decided to go over to Dahyun's apartment and they wanted to cook together.

Sana thought it was a nice idea and they would get closer to each other again.

“What was her name again? Tzuyu?”

Sana nodded. She felt a lump up in her throat but she tried to swallow it.

She couldn't risk Dahyun getting suspicious.

“I guess she's fine. We didn't see each other today.”, Sana said.

_Except the fact that you woke up next to her._

_Cheater._

“She's really pretty.”, Dahyun stated. It was probably just Sana's imagination but she felt as if Dahyun was observing her reaction, looking for a sign that Sana was hiding something in front of her.

Was she getting paranoid already?

She quietly started cutting the vegetables even though the silence was suffocating. But it was better than answering further questions about Tzuyu.

Sana felt Dahyun's gaze at her but she didn't dare to talk to her.

The last time she tried to approach her she ended up getting wasted and cheating on her. The root of all bad things that were happening recently.

“Why are you cheating?”, Sana then heard a voice behind her and turned around in shock.

Dahyun was standing behind her and now Sana realized how tired she looked.

Maybe she didn't notice it earlier because she was unable to look straight at Dahyun's face.

“W-what?”, she managed to stutter.

Her heart skipped multiple beats and she felt as if she was going to faint.

Her knees were weak, like jelly and her hands started shaking.

Dahyun looked surprised.

“I said, when are we eating?”

Sana let out a huge sigh and leaned against the fridge.

She really was getting paranoid. She closed her eyes and stretched her neck.

“Is everything okay, Sana? You don't look good...”

Dahyun put her hand on Sana's forehead, checking her temperature.

Sana winced because of the sudden touch.

Pictures of Tzuyu and her were flashing through her mind and she put Dahyun's hand away.

“I'm f-fine.”

Dahyun tried to get a hold on Sana's wrist to check whether her pulse was normal but Sana refused her.

“I'm fine.”, she repeated. “It's just my circulation. I didn't eat much today.”, she lied.

Actually it wasn't really a lie. She didn't eat much but not only today. Since months.

Probably the reason for her imagining things.

“We should hurry and eat then.”, Dahyun said.

 

Later, in the evening, Sana decided to take the bus to get to her flat.

She needed some fresh air and waiting at the bus station while looking at the sky, counting the stars calmed her down from everything that happened.

She was sure that her guilty conscience was the reason for what happened earlier.

When she reached her flat, Tzuyu was already waiting for her in the living room.

“How was it?”, she asked.

Sana didn't want to talk about it.

She broke down in the center of the room and started crying.

Tzuyu rushed to her to wrap her arm around Sana's shoulders.

“Everything's okay.”, she kept whispering but this time it wasn't helping. Sana didn't pity herself.

She pitied Dahyun. She didn't deserve such a treatment. And Sana knew that.

Tzuyu didn't deserve it either.

And instead of rejecting her and giving her the chance to move on, Sana kept clinging on her. Because she needed her.

She needed her to numb her pain and her guilty feelings.

And she thought that maybe Tzuyu needed her as well.

In the middle of the night, when she couldn't sleep because thoughts of guilt were torturing her, keeping her awake she was telling herself that she was doing Tzuyu a favor. Because she wanted it like that.

But she also knew she was wrong.

Tzuyu couldn't tell what was right and what was wrong. She was blind and Sana used that for her own advantage.

Tzuyu hugged her tighter and Sana buried her face in the other girl's shoulder.

Then suddenly the picture of Dahyun appeared behind Tzuyu in the reflection of the window, looking at her with a disappointed face.

“Why didn't you tell me?”, she asked.

And even though Sana knew that this was just an image her mind created to torture her more she still answered.

“Because I love you.”

The image of Dahyun disappeared and instead Tzuyu answered.

“I love you too.”

And Sana knew that everything was too late.

 


	4. Final Chapter -- Coma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when it's become way too much for sana, and everything crashes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written by Chae_young_money, not me

Sana rushed to Dahyun's apartment.

She called her in the middle of the night, telling her that it was really urgent and that they needed to talk.

Sana didn't even want to wait til the next day.

She could tell from Dahyun's voice that something was wrong.

Terribly wrong.

Her voice was shaking and she was breathing heavily.

So when Sana arrived at her apartment she immediately rang the doorbell. She didn't wait for Dahyun to ask her to come in.

“What happened?”, she asked out of breath.

But to her surprise Dahyun didn't seem hurt, or scared. Sadness wasn't on her face either... rather... guilt?

“Sana...”, she started but hesitated to continue. “Let's sit down first.”

She said and offered Sana a seat on the couch as if she was a stranger. As if Sana never lived in the same apartment as Dahyun.

“What is this going to be?”, she asked. Her voice sounded husky.

Maybe because it was already late. Maybe because she already knew that something was going to change.

She could sense the atmosphere as soon as she entered the apartment.

She sensed a goodbye.

Dahyun ran her fingers through her hair and then took a deep breath.

“I didn't want to tell you this just now. I wanted to wait a bit longer. But...” she looked down and took a pillow to cover her lap.

“I just couldn't. I can't sleep because this keeps lingering in my head. I can't eat because of that. And I can't live like that.”

For a second Sana had the slight hope that maybe wasn't a goodbye-talk. Maybe it was a “let's-make-up-so-things-can-be-like-they-used-to-talk”.

But once again she was being delusional.

Just like she was being delusional when she thought that Tzuyu was a mistake that would only happen once.

“I met someone.”, Dahyun said.

And out of all words these were the must hurtful.

Sana was prepared for everything but not for this.

“Someone.”, she repeated as if she didn't understand what Dahyun just said.

“Yes. And... I think... it wouldn't be fair for anyone of us if I started something before we had a proper...”

Sana knew she wanted to say breakup but Dahyun just shut her mouth and looked guilty at the ground.

“You know what I mean”, she mumbled.

Sana didn't even feel betrayed. Because she was the one betraying Dahyun. And Dahyun was in the same situation but she decided to talk to Sana about it.

She was able to do what Sana couldn't do.

She decided to finally draw a line under the relationship.

Dahyun did the one thing Sana was always afraid of. She moved on.

“I think we should end this before anyone gets hurt.”, she said. “Right?”

Sana just nodded unable to speak.

There was a giant lump in her throat, wandering to her heart like a stone.

The well-known numbness returned but this time it wasn't taking her pain.

Instead, Sana heard a high-pitched noise.

She saw Dahyun moving her lips, but she couldn't hear the words she said. Like a silent movie.

Finally, when Sana found her ability to speak again she interrupted Dahyun.

Her voice was almost inaudibly. Not more than a soft whisper.

“It's too late already.”

Dahyun stopped talking and looked at Sana. Now she really seemed sad.

“Too late for what?”

“Someone already got hurt.”

Dahyun sighed. It was obvious that she felt guilty and uncomfortable.

She didn't want to hug Sana. She didn't even want to touch her and that was what hurt her the most.

“Look.”, she then said, after running her fingers through her hair multiple times.

She kept touching her nose as well through out the whole conversation, reminding Sana of how much she loved Dahyun's nose. Not only her nose. All of her features. Her folded ears, her pale skin, her bright smile and her positive personality.

“It was never my intention to hurt you, Sana.”, Dahyun said.

Her voice was drowning in pity.

But Sana shook her head.

“You didn't hurt me. I hurt myself.”

And with these words she got up and left Dahyun's apartment.

Dahyun didn't try to hold her back. She didn't follow her when Sana stepped outside in the middle of the night and she didn't call her name. Sana still had the slight hope that Dahyun would step out of her apartment to stop her. But she didn't.

This was really the end.

Sana felt as if Dahyun wasn't the only one who left her.

Her soul and a huge part of her soul left her as well.

She wiped away a tear that escaped from her eyes when she suddenly bumped into someone.

“I'm sorry...”, she said under her breath. She then looked up.

“Oh, hey Momo.”, she said trying to hide the fact that she was actually a crying mess.

Momo and her were friends for quite some time now and she sometimes went with her and Dahyun to the restaurant because Momo was always hungry.

If Sana wouldn't know it better she would have thought that Momo had a hole in her stomach.

“Is everything okay?”, Momo asked in a worried tone patting Sana's back.

Sana was unable to reply. She couldn't even breathe.

“Did Dahyun talk to you?”, Momo continued when Sana didn't answer.

“About what?”

Momo then looked at the ground, creating an awkward tension between them.

And then Sana understood.

“Oh. It's you.”, she plainly said.

No more words needed.

Dahyun replaced her with Momo. And actually she was the one who introduced them to each other.

She should have known that Momo had a crush on Dahyun. The way she looked at her. It was the way Sana used to look at Dahyun.

And the worst thing was, that Dahyun replied.

She often didn't respond when Sana was being clingy. But Momo wasn't like Sana.

They had some similar traits.

But still they were like day and night.

But Sana was the night. And Dahyun was too bright to stick to her.

Momo still didn't say a word.

Sana felt that she was trembling from the cold. From the cold of the night and from the cold inside her heart.

“I have to go now.”, she then said.

Momo nodded and Sana walked away.

After a few steps, she turned around, just to see how Momo got inside Dahyun's apartment.

 

 

Sana didn't know whether her life made sense anymore.

All this time she was so afraid to lose Dahyun. And she was sure that she couldn't survive without her.

But there was a time before Dahyun. Shouldn't there be a time after Dahyun as well?

Or was she too addicted to her already?

Couldn't she live without Dahyun? She didn't even want to try it.

_Love isn't finding someone to live with. It's finding someone you can't live without._

But what if this person can't live with you?

Sana slowly opened the door to her flat.

It was dark inside.

Tzuyu was probably sleeping already.

But then suddenly the light turned on.

Tzuyu was only wearing an oversized, white shirt. She rubbed her eyes and blinked a few times.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up.”, Sana said trying to hide her cracking voice.

She felt that she needed Tzuyu right now.

She pinned her against the wall, not even caring about the fact that it was the middle of the night.

Tzuyu let out a surprised shriek but didn't push Sana away either.

Sana knew she shouldn't do this but it was like a drug-addict trying to resist his drug.

Tzuyu stared at her with a big eyes.

Why couldn't Sana let go of her?

Why did she keep using her?

Because the thought of losing Tzuyu as well was too hard to bear. And she knew that Tzuyu loved her.

But she didn't love Tzuyu.

She loved Dahyun. And she just knew she'd always love her.

She thought about Dahyun when she started kissing Tzuyu's neck. And when Tzuyu whispered her name, Sana heard Dahyun's voice instead.

 

When she woke up, Tzuyu was asleep already.

She lay on her bed, crouched, with her knees pulled to her chest as if she was trembling.

It was still not morning.

Would morning ever show up again?

It felt like in Sana's heart it would stay night. From now on for ever. The sun wouldn't rise again.

Love was over.

She slowly got up from her bed and glanced at Tzuyu. Rays of moonlight were falling from the window on her face.

Tzuyu was a beauty and she had the personality of an angel.

But Sana didn't deserve her love. She didn't deserve her attention.

Tzuyu sighed in her sleep.

She was suffering as well even though she always pretended that she wasn't.

Sana wrapped her in a blanket and Tzuyu's expression got softer.

What was Sana doing to her?

She decided to get some fresh air.

She couldn't stay inside her bedroom. She couldn't stay in the same room as Tzuyu.

She couldn't hear her calm breathing next to her.

She was drowning in guilt but also in the well-known numbness.

When she left her flat she felt relief.

As if she could just leave all her worries behind. She didn't want to come back. Leave both, Tzuyu and Dahyun behind.

She wished she never met them.

And also she wished she could stay with both of them.

The picture of Momo entering Dahyun's apartment appeared on her mind again.

They deserved each other and Sana knew that.

She didn't treat Dahyun right. She cheated on her and never told her. Maybe it was better like that.

She wanted Dahyun to remember her as a good memory. Sana couldn't even bear the thought of Dayhun hating her. Even though she deserved it. She deserved all the hate.

And deep down she wanted it.

She wanted Dahyun to scream at her, to slap her because she couldn't punish herself.

But instead she got love from Tzuyu.

Instead of a punishment that would make the pain bearable she found someone who loved her even though she didn't deserve it.

Or was this god's way of punishing her? Mentally, by making her hate herself?

She didn't know.

She took a deep breath of fresh air. She wanted to breathe out all the bad memories. The good ones as well. So she wouldn't remember them. So she wouldn't miss them.

She fastened her pace, not knowing where she was going. She just wanted to get out of everything.

It was like she wasn't really herself. As if she was just looking through her eyes but not being able to control her actions.

A state of coma.

But Sana couldn't wake up.

The worst thing was, that she couldn't even cry. She couldn't release her sadness.

She felt empty. Someone sucked out her soul and all that was left was the cold.

Sana always felt cold. No matter how many blankets she used. No matter how tight Tzuyu embraced her. Her lips were cracking from the cold inside her heart.

But she didn't feel it anymore.

Her vision was blurred when she crossed the street.

She didn't realize anything around her. She only saw the light in the corner of her eye.

Then she heard the screeching tires.

And when she turned her head she was looking directly into the bright, blinding car headlights.

And the only thing she could think of was how much it reminded her of Dahyun's pale skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're not crying  
> are you even human?
> 
> the idea may have been mine but all credit should go to Chae_young_money for giving life to my idea and portraying it so beautifully, i was blown away when i first read this.

**Author's Note:**

> YALL SHOULD GO ON AFF AND SPAM Remfu00'S WALL WITH COMPLIMENTS BC SHES SUCH A GOOD WRITER OIFJISDJFISOJ IF YOUR EYES ARENT PISSING BY NOW YOU DONT HAVE A HEART LIKE HONESTLY IM THE MOST CRUEL PERSON PEOPLE KNOW AND I STARTED CRYING


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